Dear Loyal Customers,
Please leave us alone. Here at Mango, we like to keep things very serious. Our company’s core purpose is to dull lives with language and culture, and our customers are making that mission extremely difficult. Cool it with the enthusiasm, guys.
First, the bright colors. We miss the days of black and white, and we like to grayscale our products whenever possible. We even made black, white, and gray tie-dye t-shirts, which is surprisingly difficult to do. We’re committed to providing you with cold, one-sided language-learning products, if you would only cooperate. Librarians, we’re looking at you. Stop making learning so fun.
This brings us to a major product announcement: Mango Malfunction. This revolutionary new language-learning product brings together all the glitches, failed ideas, and unexplainable mishaps from the early stages of product development straight to your computer (also available on all Mobile devices!) so that you can experience the most frustrating and incoherent program on the market. Forget loveable language learning; this year is all about bad ideas and taking up your valuable time. All of your favorite Mango programs will automatically upgrade to Mango Malfunction on Saturday, January 25. Get ready for the new Mango Premiere: all movies freeze every four minutes and halfway through climactic scenes, the subtitles are exactly 80 seconds delayed, and they are usually incorrect. Don’t forget the burnt popcorn!
We will also be implementing several internal changes. Some of you may know that the Mango Grove is a hub for cultural exchange, innovation, and the famous Fiesta Fridays. From here on out, the Mango Office will replace Fiesta Fridays with Monotone Mondays, in an effort to decrease the bright colors and overall amount of fun. We will also be replacing our company wide language learning requirement with a new “Monolingual Pride” program, in which all employees will be encouraged to wear headphones or earmuffs when within earshot of a second language. The word “awesome” is now banned, so for those employees who had it tattooed on their bodies, we will provide you with the appropriate concealing stickers, band-aids, and makeup.
Our goal is to slowly transition away from language learning and towards silence and monotony. We may also change our name to Brussels Sprouts Languages.
And that, dear Mangos, is how you use a thesaurus. Happy Opposite Day!
By Jillian Rodriguez